Just Go With It

Punishment, I am a sucker for you. There's a theory in my household that you can't enjoy a good film after a roast dinner on Sunday - the senses are all soaked in gravy, so all you can do is haul your ass to the cinema and endure something bland and inoffensive. The kind of film a snooze wouldn't ruin. Something like Just Go With It.

Wrong. Just Go With It is far from inoffensive. It is without a doubt the worst movie I've seen so far this year and lobbies pretty hard to make my all-time Top 10 worst list. The level to which it insults the intelligence is astounding; the clichés it reels off are too numerous to count. Simply, it's the most shockingly poor, lazy, nauseating, objectionable, unfunny 'comedy' I've ever had the misfortune to sit through.

A remake of 1969 Walther Matthau comedy Cactus Flower, Just Go With It is based on one of the most hackneyed romcom clichés ever - one so archaic even Terry & June would consider it lame. Basically, Adam Sandler is a rich asshole plastic surgeon who lies to gullible women and pretends he's married to sleep with them. On the occasion he finds a girl who isn't a complete slut - shake your moneymaker, bikini-filler Brooklyn Decker - he winds up having to bluff that his assistant, Jennifer Aniston, is his ex-wife. Just wait for hilarity to ensue! Just wait! Here it comes... any minute now!

In addition to the fact you're being asked to root for a sexist scumbag who's trying to lie his way into a naïve young girl's tiny pants, Just Go With It features a number of entirely irrelevant scenes to up the laugh quota - because there's precisely zero chuckles to be squeezed from this dry old husk of a screenplay. So, you can expect the following:

- A man performing mouth-to-mouth with an unconscious sheep
- A hula-hula dance-off starring Nicole Kidman
- A pointless Heidi Montag cameo (I'm ashamed to even know who this is)
- A man picking up a coconut with his anus
- An infant taking a dump on a man's hand
- At least three nut-shots

By far the worst - and most cringeworthy - addition to Just Go With It is Nick Swardson's character, who pretends to be Jennifer Aniston's new lover Dolph Lundgren, complete with hilarious German accent and big, Coke-bottle glasses. He even uses the term "schnitzel" when referring to his penis. You can practically feel comedy facepalming itself every second he's allowed on screen. It's jaw-droppingly crass.

There is no internal logic to this movie whatsoever. It's Eastenders-esque scriptwriting at its best - the kind of tangled story that only exists because not one character decides to take the most obvious course of action and, y'know, tell the truth. There isn't a single character in Just Go With It that behaves like a rational human being. It's like watching a movie about relationships that was written by someone who's never visited Earth, or had a girlfriend. One day, Aniston's character claims she hates Sandler and calls him a "pig"; the next, she's declaring her love for him. Sandler and his girlfriend don't even go on one date with each other before they go on holiday to Hawaii. What the fuck? Even post-roast I couldn't keep track of all the story's inconsistencies.

Enough is enough. You, me and everyone we know has enjoyed at least one Adam Sandler comedy at some point - whether it was one of his more tolerable movies from his 'screaming manchild' period (closing date pending) or his rare forays into 'serious' territory (reminder: Punch-Drunk Love was nine years ago), there's no doubt he had something appealing about him. No more. Just Go With It is the line drawn in the sand. No more free passes for Adam Sandler. From now on, you're a slightly richer Rob Schneider. You're a balding David Spade. You're a thinner Kevin James.

The man has his own production company and never needs to work another day in his life, but this is what he chooses to make? Fuck you, Sandler. You're lowering the world's IQ one idiot at a time. Fuck you. You've had every opportunity to make something that matters for years now, and you churn out horseshit like this? You're comedy cancer. You're actively eating away at what makes cinema great while you sleepwalk through your shitty movies and pick up your gigantic, undeserved paycheque. Fuck you for wasting my time, fuck you for having no shame and a pre-emptive fuck you for Jack And Jill.