40 movie predictions for 2011

After 2010 started with Rip Torn trying to rob a bank, we quickly learned that anything can happen in this crazy business of show, so here are our predictions that are almost definitely likely to maybe happen in 2011. Possibly.

1. Christopher Nolan reveals that the main villain in The Dark Knight Rises will be a giant alien insect with a ray gun.

2. Pixar announce that their next animated film project will be about a paedophile parrot who must learn to control his urges.

3. The 'claustrocore' movement gains pace, as Danny Boyle announces his follow-up to 127 Hours. He'll tell the story of Eamonn Holmes, who gets trapped in his toilet and has to survive by eating his own excrement. Shite will be released in 2012.

4. Ryan Reynolds will sign an exclusive deal to play every superhero in any forthcoming Marvel movies, as well as their arch-nemeses.

5. Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg finally quit the charade and admit they are one and the same person: Micce Cersenberg.

6. Denzel Washington will star as a cross-dresser in a new gross-out comedy by the Farrelly Brothers.

7. The new Star Trek sequel will see all the main characters get killed off, then it will reveal they were on the holodeck all along. Then everyone will get killed again, but it turns out they were in a holodeck within a holodeck.

Mark Zuckerberg gets his own back on Hollywood and commissions Farmville: The Movie.

9. A big screen adaptation of Big Brother will be announced with housemates including Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, Nick Nolte and Rip Torn.

10. Sam Rockwell will play a Vietnam vet with no legs and still find a way to fit in a dance scene.

11. After a breakout film role in his own biopic, Justin Bieber will pursue other acting roles but, to avoid being typecast, will sign on to play a rapist in the new movie by Lars von Trier.



13. James Cameron will release Avatar: Even Extendier Edition, which features an eight-minute deleted scene of Jake Sully taking a painful dump.

14. Shia LaBeouf will pile on the pounds for a role that no one cares about and then won't be able to lose the extra weight, eventually just becoming a fat recluse.

15. Corey Feldman will have a surprise career resurgence following his critically appraised portrayal of Aretha Franklin in a biopic of her life.

16. Dustin Hoffman will return to his method acting roots by entering a medically-induced coma for The Patient Patient. Filming is set to begin between May and September, depending on how long Hoffman's beard and nails have grown.

17. Spike Lee will announce that his next project is a remake of an old Nazi propaganda film.

18. Nerds will illegally download their most eagerly anticipated geeky movie of the year, and then complain because Average Joe Moviegoer didn't go see it in cinemas.

20. Still intent on ruining our lives, the Blu-ray release of Star Wars will contain new additional scenes of George Lucas touching each and every one of our mothers inappropriately.

21. Joss Whedon will bypass the 3D market entirely, jumping two extra dimensions into 5D with 5erenity.

22. Charlie Kaufmann and Spike Jonze will re-team in Being Nathan Fillion, accidentally starting a new religion in the process.

23. After his new movie is blasted by critics, Kevin Smith announces a bold new marketing tactic: no one, not even audiences, will be allowed to watch his new films. Sadly, he is unable to put the methodology into practice, as his suitcase of Tootsie roles violates the extra baggage rule on his 747 out of JFK and the plane goes down in flames, crash-landing on Roger Ebert's wheelchair.



25. Tim Burton announces he is to 're-imagine' Baa Baa Black Sheep as a "twisted, gothic fairytale", with Johnny Depp voicing Baa, Helena Bonham Carter voicing love interest Ewe and Christopher Lee playing Farmer Giles. Danny Elfman provides the score.

26. Work on The Avengers will get cancelled mid-production, at which point Joss Whedon will realise that studios just like fucking with him.

Clad in purple velour, Darren Aronofsky will be thrown out of the Academy Awards after he's found pimping out ex-wife Rachel Weisz to Daniel Craig. In a statement, Aronofsky responds: "D-MONEY gots to get pizzaid, yo!"

28. Wes Anderson will release a movie so indie-hip it goes out of fashion minutes before release and nobody goes to see it.

29. Adam Sandler and Kevin James will star in a comedy in which all they do is fart and then laugh and point at each other.

30. John Carpenter will write, produce, direct, cater and compose the soundtrack to John Carpenter's: John Carpenter.

31. Still cautious after their financial meltdown, MGM announce a brand new, cut-price James Bond movie. In For WKD Eyes Only, 007 must drive his Ford Ka to Stoke, where he must defeat evil baddie Alan Thomson in a daring tussle in a nightclub at happy hour, before romancing the local tart, Sharon 'Munter' Greaves.

33. Following the release of the last Harry Potter film, Rupert Grint will shave all his hair off and start a Scientology-like cult. In a subsequent interview, Daniel Radcliffe will break down in tears when asked what it was like to work with him.

34. A first draft of Citizen Kane will be unearthed where 'Rosebud' turns out to be a sock puppet used by a teenage Charles Foster Kane to wank himself off.

35. Weeks after author Stephanie Meyer dies mysteriously in a skiing accident, Summit Entertainment announce that they have discovered an indefinite amount of unpublished Twilight books that actually continue on from what was to be this year's final film.

36. Exclusive test shots from Ridley Scott's Alien Prequel will show Russell Crowe riding a horse and shouting.

37. Jean Claude Van Damme will finally have the lump on his forehead removed, resulting in the sudden loss of his karate skills.



39. Amnesty International force Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal to donate some of their excess vowels to McG.

40. Nicolas Cage will sign on to play himself in a biopic of his own life but, during filming, will physically explode from over-acting.
There you go, call your bookies and get some odds rolling in, although it goes without saying that if you put money on any of these and it comes in, we're entitled to half your winnings. It also means that we're omniscient supergods.

Think we've overlooked anything? Feel free to add any other predictions in the comments below.