8 utterly ridiculous movie disguises

Because sometimes a spy’s last line of defence is an acrylic wig, a fake beard and a pair of lensless glasses.

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy is an excellent film that is sure to earn itself a worthy place on a few nomination lists come Oscar time. It does, however, suffer from one major plot hole – everyone can see what everyone else looks like. What kind of spies are these people? Where are their attaché cases filled with small mirrors, facial hair and latex skin?

Of course, as the following films all show, it’s easy to fall into complacency about your disguise and stop putting the effort in…
8. Roger Moore – Octopussy



Oh Roger – you really made an embarrassment of Britain’s top spy, didn’t you? Not content with reducing the country’s finest espionage tricks and technology to a smirk and an arched eyebrow, you had to go all ‘circus’ on us too? Mind you, seeing as Roger Moore was 56 at the time of filming, this all may just be a clever ploy by the make-up department to hide his age.
7. Gwyneth Paltrow – Shakespeare In Love



Back in Shakespearian times, cross-dressing was all the rage. Men donned frilly frocks all the time, sometimes to portray women on stage, and sometimes just because there was nothing else to do except sit around and wait for someone to invent an Xbox. Here though, the roles are reversed as Gwynny glues bum fluff to her face and calls herself Thomas Kent to pass herself off as a not-even-remotely masculine man. No wonder Chris Martin is so sodding miserable all the time.
6. Bruce Willis – The Jackal



It’s hard to imagine a time when Bruce Willis ever had hair but, when he did, it looked a darn sight more realistic than the above. In this film, Willis plays top assassin The Jackal who remains ‘faceless’ by virtue of playing dress-up at every opportunity, even though he usually ends up looking more conspicuous than anyone else in the room. Here he is disguised as the love child of Kurt Cobain and Homer Simpson.
5. Matt Damon – Ocean’s Thirteen



In an attempt to create another casino heist story featuring every jobbing actor in Hollywood, Soderbergh lumbers Damon with the role of seducing Al Pacino’s assistant. Damon does this by slicking his hair, slapping on some fake tan and wearing A MASSIVE CONK. Because what’s the first thing a woman finds sexy about a man? Two giant rubber nostrils.
4. Val Kilmer – The Saint



Re-inventing Roger Moore’s pre-Bond claim to fame as an expert thief, Val Kilmer takes on the role of Simon Templar and gets to try on all sorts of wigs and accents, none of which are particularly convincing. The worst though is this, which fails at being an adequate disguise on the most basic level because humans generally don’t look like cartoons. Plus, when the police are on the look out for suspicious behaviour, the first person they’re going to notice is the wonky-toothed old creep with paedo hair.
3. Sean Connery – You Only Live Twice



While investigating a missing spacecraft, Bond finds himself in Japan because, well it probably seemed really exotic in 1967. After being bathed by lots of “very sexiful” women, 007 has to take on the master disguise of a Japanese man, which pretty much just consists of him getting Spock’s bad haircut and cosmetically enhanced ‘slitty eyes’. This is probably the most racist Bond has ever been, and this is taking into account the voodoo black men in Live And Let Die.
2. Angelina Jolie in Salt



Master spy and intelligence agent working for the CIA, Salt goes on the run from her own government when she is accused of being a traitor planning to kill the president. From the moment that Angelina Jolie gets fingered (ohai Google search results) as a double agent, her attempts to stay ‘under the radar’ get progressively silly until she presumably remembers watching Shakespeare In Love and tries to pull a Gwyneth-dude. This time though, latex skin and the best in cosmetic technology are utilised to turn Jolie from a sexy buxom woman into a hormonally deficient mid-op transsexual with a butt-chin.
1. Christopher Reeve – Superman



TRY HARDER, KAL-EL.