Films on TV round-up: Emile Locques and email boxes

Controversy time: I think Roger Moore was the best Bond, and I really like You've Got Mail. What are you going to do about it? Go and read something else? Ha! I'd like to see you try! Oh right, you've gone.

Commencing: Monday 31st October 2011

For Your Eyes Only (1981) Friday, ITV4, 10pm



Sean Connery is the best Bond because he kept it closest to the spirit of the books, so the argument runs, and Roger Moore wise-cracked and eyebrow-raised the franchise into mere light entertainment. I disagree: as far as I'm concerned, James Bond makes most sense as, and forever should be, light entertainment.

These are fun, frothy films. Whether it's Moore or Connery, things explode. Expensive watches fire darts into henchmen's necks. Girls swim naked in pools as chortling, sun-tanned plutocrats sip cocktails. Do these sound like serious, gritty dramas? If you want accurate depictions of the day-to-day workings of British intelligence, go and catch Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy (which, as masterfully shot and acted as it is, was downright incomprehensible to me).

This was my favourite Bond film as a kid, when it seemed to be on ITV every bank holiday Monday, and so it remains. Given what I said above, I suppose it's notable that the finer details of its plot escape me: the MacGuffin is a transmitter for ordering nuclear attacks which is somewhere at the bottom of the ocean after the sinking of the submarine carrying it. Bond meets a revenge-hungry Greek girl whose parents were killed trying to find it. There's a bad guy called Emile Locque (OH RIGHT THAT'S WHY HE SAID IT IN THE TITLE) and a bad-guy-turned-good-guy called Columbo.

The rest? Dunno. I have no idea what the Cold War was all about, other than it didn't take place in Antarctica, and so the finer points of 007's exploits always escaped me throughout the series, but it doesn't much matter. This is still a brilliant romp - yes, romp - stuffed full of cars that turn into submarines, Greek smugglers, beautiful women, wise-cracks under adversity ("Love a drive in the country, don't you?") and harpoon fights. Roger Moore FTW.
You've Got Mail (1998) Saturday, ITV2, 5.30pm



Watched today, there's a certain quaintness around films and TV from this era in which characters marvelled at being able to use the internet. What was even on it at the time, though? Endless Usenet newsgroups full of people saying "OMG we can communicate with each other!!!! *waves from Omaha*" and a huge stack of Trojan-riddled porn. I didn't even have an email address in 1998. To me, You've Got Mail might as well have been Blade Runner.

Given that the film industry is still incapable of depicting computers realistically (it's either 4D touchscreens that float in mid-air and can hold conversations with you, or - even now - Acorn Electron-style black screens with green letters on them; I suspect because Microsoft charge too much for using the Windows likeness) it's remarkable how naturally Nora Ephron built them into this story.

Meg Ryan owns a small independent New York bookstore; Tom Hanks owns the corporate giant running her out of business. They hate each other, but maintain a flirtatious email correspondence, neither aware of who the person on the other end is, and as their online relationship develops, so does their real-life one.

Their third outing together, this was the first in which they actually shared a lot of screen time as romantic leads (about five minutes in Sleepless in Seattle; a fair bit in Joe Versus the Volcano but without much of a romantic thrust) and you'd struggle to find a more witty or likeable pairing. On slightly shaky ground as a corporate giant, Hanks swiftly wins us over by taking his young relatives to the fairground and showing remorse about driving smaller competitors out of business. As in Sleepless, Ryan begins the story coupled with a man who is then steadily de-romanticised to set up Hanks as her perfect partner (Greg Kinnear's Luddite refusal to accept the onset of technology is at odds with her embracing of the internet).

This is a film about two people with old-fashioned romantic values using modern technology to pursue them, and it's as funny and charming as you'd expect from Nora Ephron. This woman also wrote Sleepless and Seattle and When Harry Met Sally. If she's not the queen of romantic comedy, I don't know who is. Sean Connery, maybe.
Also on this week

King Kong (2005) Monday, ITV2, 10pm
Rambo III Monday, ITV4, 10pm
Halloween: Resurrection Monday, BBC2, 11.20pm
Beetlejuice Tuesday, 5*, 8.10pm
No Country for Old Men Tuesday, Film4, 9pm
Tango & Cash Tuesday, ITV4, 10.45pm
Batman Returns Tuesday, ITV2, 11.45pm
Chocolat Wednesday, Film4, 6.35pm
Fantastic Four Wednesday, E4, 8pm
300 Wednesday, 5USA, 10pm (also Saturday, 9pm)
Me and You and Everyone We Know Wednesday, Film4, 10.45pm
Unforgiven Thursday, ITV4, 12am
The Last King of Scotland Thursday, Film4, 9pm
Life in a Day Thursday, BBC2, 9pm
Nighthawks Thursday, ITV4, 10.35pm
Batman Forever Thursday, ITV2, 10.45pm
The Thin Red Line Friday, More4, 9pm (also Saturday, 10.25pm)
Me, Myself and Irene Friday, E4, 10pm
Bowfinger Friday, ITV1, 10.35pm
Jaws Saturday, ITV4, 9pm
Bruce Almighty Saturday, BBC4, 9.45pm
Training Day Saturday, ITV1, 10.55pm
Dirty Harry Sunday, ITV4, 12.20am