Official-ish Shiznit Oscar predictions

Hey, you! It's the Oscars at the weekend! Why aren't you as excited as people who do care about it? C'mere and pretend you're interested and check out my predictions! Can't you hear me? Gah! GAAAAAH!

It's the back-slapping event of the year: this weekend will see the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood play host to the 82nd annual Academy Awards, and the stakes couldn't be higher! And by stakes, I mean 'the level of stupid bullshit people are supposed to be interested in'!

But seriously folks, the Oscars are important round these parts. They're kind of like the MTV Video Awards, but for movies. And if we didn't have a glitzy ceremony every year, where the rich and the famous congratulate each other on being awesome in the face of recession, poverty and war, what kind of civilisation would we be? We'd be French, that's what we'd be.

Below you'll find my Oscar predictions, which I can guarantee you will come back and bite me on the arse on Monday morning. My original gut feeling was that Avatar would pound the opposition into dust, and even though buzz has built for The Hurt Locker in recent weeks, to me, it just ain't Best Picture material. Blue monkeys all the way.

Anyhoo, I'm showing you mine, now you show me yours in the comments thread. Don't leave me hanging with my dick in the wind.

Best Picture winner: Avatar



Although, I must stress, I didn't actually think that Avatar was the best picture of 2009 (see my top 20 of last year here). It just seems to me that a movie that makes over $2bn, rejuvenated flagging figures and played a huge role in setting up a hugely profitable business model with the advent of 3D isn't going to be ignored by the penny-pinchers of Hollywood.

But enough business talk. Avatar rocked my world; plain and simple. It might be nothing more than Pocahontas painted blue, but it's about as beautiful, thrilling and involving as modern action cinema gets. The Hurt Locker will get pity votes, but Avatar is the juggernaut. Bitch.
Best Actor winner: Jeff Bridges for Crazy Heart



I won't pretend to have seen Crazy Heart, but I will say that if anyone deserves back-payment for past awesomeness, it's The Dude. Crazy Heart might just be The Wrestler with guitars, but Bridges is (apparently) astonishing as country musician Bad Blake and I can't see anyone else edging him in the voting stakes. Colin Firth must be wishing he never made Bridget Jones's Diary right about now.
Best Actress winner: Sandra Bullock for The Blind Side



Bit of a no-brainer, this one. As soon as you hear the chatter of "this is Sandra Bullock's year," it's clear there's a current of popularity and Academy voters won't have to look hard on their ballot to tick a crowd-pleasing box. Also, let's examine the film, The Blind Side. It's American. It's about American football. It's about race. It's about triumph over adversity. It's about WINNING. Consider it a touchdown... of the heart.
Best Supporting Actor winner: Christoph Waltz for Inglourious Basterds



People have been touting Waltz for this award since early screenings of Basterds back in May: Hans Landa is one of those once-in-a-lifetime roles that just tears through a movie until there's nothing left to remember but it. Tarantino's latest opus probably won't win any other awards (warning: dangerously cavalier statement alert), except maybe for Best Original Screenplay (at ease), but Waltz has this one locked. Also, he looks exactly like Rob Brydon. Which is nice.
Best Supporting Actress winner: Mo'Nique for Precious



Mariah Carey in Oscar-winning movie shocker! Mega-titted pop nutjob aside, Precious was also home to another incredible performance of the shocking variety - erstwhile comedian Mo'Nique, playing young Precious' abusive mother. If there's one kind of actress America likes to give Oscars to, it's overweight African-American actresses not previously known for drama. Ohai Jennifer Hudson and Oprah.
Best Director winner: Kathryn Bigelow for The Hurt Locker



This is as close as I get to sticking my neck out. Traditionally, the Best Picture and Best Director awards are about as inseparable as John Terry and his best friend's wife (heyo). But this year? Something's in the air. Hurt Locker might not be able to compete with Avatar's brutish budget and beauty, but it's a superlative thriller with few equals, and it's flawlessly directed by Bigelow - she's got more balls than most of the other nominees combined. Also - get this - she shot film on a ratio of 100:1 filmed to used. Can't wait to watch the deleted scenes on this fucker.
And that's your lot, no chance I'm bothering with the technical awards - as far as I'm concerned, go Special Olympics on their asses and name them all winners. Thoughts? Agreements? Disagreements? General apathy reporting for duty? Let's have it.