"So what is Vision?" I'm at the pub, still digesting Captain America: Civil War, and I've been caught off guard. "Well, he's... um...he's a, er... so Thor had this sort of bath, then Ultron, erm... You know the Mind Gem, th-..." Christ, I'm racking my brains and his first movie only came out a year ago. Marvel movies move pretty fast; if you don't re-watch regularly, or God forbid miss a movie, your pub trivia game will suffer. (My best guess: Vision is a space ghost fruit roll-up robot butler dressed by George at Asda). Civil War is the 13th movie in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and if you haven't been paying attention over the last eight years, you're going to find it really, really hard to keep up. The MCU doesn't slow down, doesn't pull its punches and doesn't really do 'Previously, on the Marvel Cinematic Universe..." It has unapologetically and unreservedly been constructed from the ground up for fans - and those fans are going to go bend-over-backwards apeshit crazy for Civil War, arguably the movie that the previous 12 have all been working towards.
"Just seen Captain America: Civil War. Need to revise my MCU rankings!!" a man promised his legions of Facebook friends this weekend and now the Internet has halted to a standstill awaiting what will surely be the definitive list of Marvel Cinematic Universe films, ordered by quality.
Hi guys, just to let you know, the marketing arm of Marvel have been in contact with me as they have with all of the UK press to offer The Shiznit payment for giving Captain America: Civil War a positive review. I'm sure you remember that they already paid us the first £5,000 for giving Batman V Superman a negative review, but they've confirmed that the rest of the bribe will be delivered upon publication of our Civil War review, which I'm seeing tomorrow. Not that it matters.
Marvel have released a new trailer for Captain America: Civil War and it showcases thrilling action, real investment in emotional plot beats and an awesome first look at our brand new Spider-Man. The problem is, it has been met with overwhelming excitement and positivity. Don't they know that the Internet wasn't built to sustain such a thing?
A superhero movie fan has expressed tremendous excitement regarding the simultaneous release of Captain America 3 and Batman Vs Superman on the 6th of May, 2016, claiming he "can't wait to see who wins", blissfully ignoring the fact that the event is still 756 days away and he could feasibly accomplish many life-changing things in that time.
Just like Stan Lee releases those How To Draw Your Favourite Superhero books, complete with crudely sketched circles and squares that somehow become awesome comic-book artwork in just four 'easy' steps, it is becoming increasingly clear that Marvel is working to a very strictly defined template with its movies. Almost like they've all been storyboarded for years in advance. (*glances at comic collection*) OH.
It's only been four years since Samuel L Jackson teased his way into the end of Tony Stark's movie like a fan-wetting afterthought, but it seems like anticipation for The Avengers has been setting the Internet a-buzz for far longer. Perhaps this is because, since the comic-book genre gained credibility again, we've all been waiting for the ultimate superhero crossover movie. With Avengers Assemble, we get just that - four superhero leads meeting up for one mega-blockbuster movie in a way that has never been seen before. As a result, it is the ultimate summer event movie. It also happens to be Marvel's masterpiece.