This week sees the release of erotic adaptation Fifty Shades Of Grey, a movie which promised to bust wide open the sexual taboos of the modern repressed cinemagoer. Instead, it features a few boobs, about three ass cheeks and some light whipping. Whoop-de-doo.
"Nobody understands the cloud!" hisses Jason Segel. "It's a fucking mystery!" Prescient words, given recent events; with a plot regarding a mislaid dirty video, Sex Tape is uniquely positioned to capitalise on the most scandalous celebrity leak in history, but it's a shame the movie is too busy blowing smoke up Apple's rear port to make any sort of meaningful comment on the testy relationship between intimacy and technology.
I like the concept for this poster for Sex Tape - a movie starring Jason Segel and Cameron Diaz about a sex tape starring Jason Segel and Cameron Diaz - but it's one of the more flagrantly sexist posters I've seen recently. So Cameron Diaz has to appear in tiny pants but Jason Segel gets pyjamas? And socks? Don't get me wrong, I've seen enough of Jason Segel's genitals to last me a lifetime, but he could have at least rocked a boxer. TUT TUT.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt is impossible to dislike. The bastard. Attractive, talented, creative, industrious and brilliant at karaoke, he's the kind of self-made leading man who you actively will towards success – as opposed to all the no-talent shit-for-brain himbos for hire who I actively will towards homelessness. Gordon-Levitt's directorial debut Don Jon is certainly an accomplished and confident first film, but I can't help but think a lot of the praise it's receiving is directed at its star and not its screenplay – subtract all the personal goodwill that Gordon-Levitt has banked over the years and Don Jon remains a good film, just perhaps not a great one.
It's The '70s! Hooray! I Heart The '70s! Do you remember The '70s? I do! If I wasn't gliding around a roller-rink listening to disco music in hot-pants, I was sunbathing next to the swimming pool at my mom's house listening to an AM radio, phoning the DJ to request Bachman-Turner Overdrive multiple times and giggling with my best friend who won't figure hugely in my later life. Do you know what the best thing about The '70s was, though? Apart from the fonts. There were some great fonts in The '70s. No no, the best thing about The '70s was porn!
Nobody told me it was National Sexism Week. I would have bought a badge or something. First came Seth MacFarlane's boob-centric stint as Oscars host, then everyone piled in to insult a 21-year-old American actress walking down the street for not being as attractive as a comic-book character. I don't know about the rest of you fellas, but I'm feeling pretty ashamed about my own penis right now. Moreso than usual.
To the relief of Google-baiters everywhere, SEXY HARRY POTTER star and former TEEN Emma Watson is rumoured to be starring in the movie adaptation of the racy hit series FIFTY SHADES OF GREY, described by some to contain SEX, HARDCORE FUCKING, BONDAGE, SPANKING and female empowerment.