This year has seen the first female-led superhero movie, two Apocalypse Now inspired monkey movies, a curtain call for Logan, a launch of Universal's Dark Universe, and the return of Cars, Captain Jack, Renton and Xander Cage. And yet there's only one film I can't get out of my head right now.
Michael Bay finally did it: he exploded history. Not content with retconning the dinosaurs in the last part of his ever-growing Transformers universe, Bay has now officially changed the course of human history. The Last Knight not only rewrites Arthurian legend (myth, history, whatever), it puts an Autobot spin on World War II, the mystery of Stonehenge and even Stephen Hawking, via scenes that stretch from the depths of outer space to the bottom of the ocean. It's a miracle there isn't a scene where we find out Jesus was a robot too: the Crucifixicon. It is, I shouldn't have to say but will, an extraordinary payload of absolute horseshit: a Buster Gonad-style wheelbarrow of bollocks that will leave you flabbergasted as to how incoherent, lazy and contemptuous it is. I should say, however, that I haven't laughed so much in a cinema in years.
I am just a man. I don't claim to be perfect. So even when I stun strangers with my sick film trivia knowledge and straight up dunk on the critics with my professionally-honed reviewing skills, know that there are still gaps in my viewing history. I have never seen Citizen Kane, for example, possibly due to a highly comedic mixup where, for a good few years, I thought it was a sitcom starring Robert Lindsay. I have never seen a David Lynch film, principally because I think I hate him, but still. Never have I ever seen a Kristoff Kieslowski film. I don't even know if that's how you spell his name, and I didn't even bother to check. And so, I humbly admit to you, precious reader, that I have never seen Transformers: Age Of Extinction. For shame.
It's one of the weirdest phenomenons in modern movie history: how is it that so many Coen regulars wind up in Transformers movies? See the culprits as we attempt to figure out what possible motives the guilty parties could have.
An age of extinction. Well, it does go on for ages, but Michael Bay's fourth Transformers movie, while offering some CGI spectacle to knock your block off, threatens the eradication of the human race but never treats the prospect with much more than an afterthought.
In a frankly unbelievable turn of events this week, two properties which have been successful in the past continued to be successful. For reasons yet to be determined, various parties are disgusted by the fact that Transformers: Age Of Extinction and Mrs Brown's Boys D'Movie made so much money at the box-office, satisfying their respective audiences of young people and old people. The school of thought seems to be that audiences shouldn't spend money on movies they want to see – they should spend money on movies we want them to see.
I recently learned that Mark Wahlberg's character in Transformers: Age Of Extinction is named 'Cade Yeager', which is a contender for the most ridiculous action hero name of all time. Cade. Cade. It just sounds so... Hollywood. Real people are not called Cade. Help me right this wrong.
This new poster for Transformers: Age Of Extinction shows that Mark Wahlberg is still unclear about exactly what he can and can't run away from. Can run away from: people, cars, explosions (at a push). Can't run away from: responsibility, wind, giant planet-sized evil robot alien overlords.
No, of course Transformers 4 is not a kids' movie. It's actually a ponderous, meditative tone poem about the exploration of the self. It just happens to feature a space alien robot truck riding a space alien robot dinosaur while holding a big sword. Directed by Terrence Malick. (via /Film)