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  • James May to be switched off

    TV News | Ed Williamson | 19th June 2015

    With the already-tenuous purpose of James May now defunct, he is to be unplugged and put away in a box in the attic.

    The news came as Top Gear announced that auditions for its presenting roles alongside new host Chris Evans were open to literally everyone but May.

    "What is he
    for?" pondered BBC Director-General Tony Hall in a statement. "I suppose you could keep him in the kitchen and use his fingers as a mug tree. Or he could double as a keep-left sign if he could remember to point to the left."

    "I don't even have a car," confirmed May, making himself comfortable between the artificial Christmas tree and a big box of Duplo.

  • New Eastenders family to keep mainly to themselves

    TV News | Ed Williamson | 24th April 2015

    Eastenders today announced the arrival of new family the Lees, and confirmed that whatever big storylines are in store for them are largely irrelevant as they'll be conducted behind closed doors like most people's are.

  • Game of Thrones to "stop shoving boobs in your face"

    TV News | Iain Robertson | 7th April 2015

    When Game of Thrones returns to our screens next week, fans might notice a subtle change regarding the costumes of their favourite characters. Namely that they'll be wearing them.

  • Hammond "started Top Gear fracas then ran away"

    TV News | Ed Williamson | 10th March 2015

    The BBC has confirmed reports that Richard Hammond provoked the fracas between presenter and opinion-fabricator Jeremy Clarkson and a Top Gear producer. He then ran behind Clarkson and at intervals poked his tiny head into view to say "Yeah!" while the larger man conducted the argument. When the altercation turned physical he did little except aim a kick at the producer when he was on the ground and then back away hurriedly.

    Hammond, 45, was asked to present the show in Clarkson's absence but, on realising none of his bigger mates were around, only went red and mumbled something about how he got loads of girls and his uncle owned a BMX factory. James May refused on the grounds of being literally incapable of anything.

    Clarkson was predicted to end up doing really well out of the whole thing somehow and to have his cause tirelessly championed by people who think speed cameras are enforced by Sharia law or something.

  • 12 Monkeys is radical departure from Buzzfeed feature that inspired it

    TV News | Ed Williamson | 24th February 2015

    This trailer suggests the TV show deviates wildly from the classic Buzzfeed list article so beloved by millions of share-hungry fans. First the whole Seven Samurai debacle and now this.

  • Wesley Snipes pilot "definitely won't go tits-up"

    TV News | Ed Williamson | 23rd February 2015

    Wesley Snipes's TV pilot, Endgame, definitely won't go to shit in a shopping trolley, insiders say.

    "There's no safer pair of hands in the business than Snipes," said an NBC executive. "If you want someone to show up on time, be content with the modest rider laid on in his trailer and get on famously with the creative team, that's Wesley. That's why I didn't hesitate to personally approve his casting.

    "Hot in here, isn't it? I feel like it's hot in here."

  • Attenborough's Paradise Birds less wholesome than billed

    TV News | Ed Williamson | 1st February 2015

    "He spun us some shit about the avian wonders of the jungles of New Guinea," explained a BBC executive, "but then he sent in an hour's worth of him hanging around with a load of page 3 girls. It's mainly just him saying stuff like 'Cor, bet you don't get many of those to the pound!' and chasing them round his garden."

    "Paid the cost to be the boss," explained Attenborough, smoking a massive cigar in a jacuzzi.

  • Eccleston really quite drunk at Fortitude premiere

    TV News | Ed Williamson | 20th January 2015

    I went to the Fortitude premiere and they gave me a free bagel and the fake snow got stuck to my shoes and Christopher Eccleston had evidently really tied one on by the time they got round to the Q&A.

  • Lewis beard provokes licence fee boycott

    TV News | Ed Williamson | 16th January 2015

    The BBC came under fire this afternoon as furious licence fee-payers saw the beard Damian Lewis is to wear as Henry VIII in Wolf Hall and said as one: "Not in my name."

    "As gingers go, he's probably the best of the lot," admitted viewer Thackeray Fatch. "I liked that thing where he played the man in the war who was good at the war and Dexter Fletcher shouted a bit.

    "But adding a beard is aggressively ginger if anything. It's typical of the BBC, pushing their liberal agenda and shoving minorities in our face. This is like how Idris Elba is playing James Bond, or how they've made the Pet Shop Boys Chinese.

    "Next thing you know there'll be a Greek reading the news."

  • Nick Cotton to debut non-black item of clothing

    TV News | Ed Williamson | 4th November 2014

    I've loved Eastenders since I started back on it, but the return of a character as one-note as Nick Cotton, while familiar and not unwelcome, reminds you what soaps are like when they don't bother with characterisation. Yes, we know, Nick: you're a bad man, everything you do is bad without any real reason why, and all your clothes are accordingly black. Tell us a new one.