Latest Movie Features

Been a while since I checked on John Travolta, I wonder what he-OH MY GOD

Movie Feature | Ali Gray | 14th November 2018

I like to check in on John Travolta from time to time like an elderly relative, just to make sure he's still getting by and that he hasn’t soiled himself or been conned out of his gas money by scammers. Imagine my surprise, then, to discover that not only is 2018 John Travolta doing okay, he's positively THRIVING as the star of Speed Kills, a new feature film/cinematic VR extravaganza! No popping to the shops for milk on your behalf, JT!

Read full article »
Caption this photo of Paul Dano immediately you cowards

Movie Feature | Ali Gray | 2nd November 2018

I like Paul Dano. He is good at acting. He is what Empire called "a 27-Percenter" i.e. someone who makes a movie 27% better just by being in it. He makes great career choices. He is a compelling screen presence. He has all the makings of a great film director. And yet: he looks like a right tit in this magazine article. Join me as I attempt to make sense of this conundrum.

Read full article »
20 things you idiots didn't know about the Halloween franchise

Movie Feature | Ali Gray | 19th October 2018

Halloween is released in cinemas this weekend, and if you’re sat at home, alone, reading this and thinking 'Hasn’t there already been a movie called Halloween?' then oh my god do you need our help you unstoppable moron. Consider this your primer to the entire Halloween franchise: these 20 indisputable facts might even help prevent you from being murdered by Michael Myers himself. Feel free to share with all your friends and repeat the facts herein out loud within earshot of people you respect.

Read full article »
The 24 maddest moments from Gerard Butler's Pentagon press conference

Movie Feature | Ali Gray | 16th October 2018

Because global politics isn't weird and backwards and horrifying enough right now, Washington reporters gathered together yesterday afternoon for a Pentagon press conference, not to ask questions of President Trump, or his press secretary Sarah Sanders, or even White House advisor Stephen Miller, the Salacious Crumb to Trump's Jabba. No, today's speaker would be Gerard Butler, actor and star of forthcoming submarine thriller Hunter Killer. Perfectly normal, just another normal day, nothing to see here, so normal it hurts.

Read full article »
I don't know about you but I'm reading that Liam Neeson horse story again

Movie Feature | Ali Gray | 15th October 2018

This is it. This is the content I crave. The world is a horrible place, full of racist demagogues and insidious politicians and hordes of idiots and hurricanes, but the news that Liam Neeson thinks a horse recognised him from a previous movie somehow makes everything okay. Liam Neeson doing horse whispering is the salve on the gaping wound that is 2018. Shhhh. Everything is going to be fine. Let's read it again, together.

Read full article »
Advertise with us!
The nine most embarrassing X-Men marketing fuck-ups

Movie Feature | Ali Gray | 12th October 2018

You can always count on the X-Men for a laugh. While the Marvel marketing machine runs like a well-oiled machine and the DC marketing machine is basically a Xerox of the Marvel machine, the Fox marketing machine is more like a dodgy office printer, old and busted and producing wildly erratic and inconsistent results because no one really knows how to use it properly. The X-Men franchise is arguably the biggest name in superhero cinema - so why can't Fox ever seem to sell the movies without, excuse my language, fucking up like cack-handed twats?

Read full article »
A special Shiznit investigation: which food is acceptable to eat on a train?

Movie Feature | Ali Gray | 1st October 2018

Earlier this week, an unforeseen event shocked me to my very core. My good friend and colleague Matthew Looker, a professional and a family man, contacted me to inform me of some most distressing news, and he had pictorial evidence: a woman on his packed commuter train home had begun eating a whole melon with a spoon. Not melon chunks, you understand. An entire, spherical melon. No sooner had the perpetrator finished carving the guts out of the melon, satisfying her own perverted craving for flesh, she began carving up a second melon. The carnage was only contained when the carcasses of the large fruits were stored in a Tupperware lunchbox and removed from the theatre of conflict. Regardless, it was clear: the rules had changed, and none of us in the Banter Squad group chat would ever be the same again.

Read full article »
20 exciting and totally achievable ways the DC Universe can rebuild

Movie Feature | Ali Gray | 17th September 2018

The DC universe is broken. Henry Cavill is done with Superman. Ben Affleck is too goth even for Batman and reportedly wants an escape route. Wonder Woman accidentally became the most successful one and now all the men at the studio have no idea what to do with her. And Aquaman... exists. Forget whatever humanitarian crises the Fake News Media are pushing on you this week: we need to focus our efforts on figuring out how to fix these adult manbaby movie franchises, and STAT. These 20 ideas to fix the DCCU by yours truly are a start, but frankly, I'm not hearing anything coming from your end. Is this thing even on?

Read full article »
Analysing THE SHEER INSANITY of a day in the life of Mark Wahlberg

Movie Feature | Ali Gray | 13th September 2018

Mark Wahlberg is most unlike you or I. For starters, he's a rich and famous celebrity, who is so rich and famous and blessed with over-confidence he can get away with inventing hypothetical scenarios whereby he averts the terrorist attacks of 9/11 and face almost no backlash. His career trajectory is uniquely insane, running the full gamut from teenage thug to white rapper to underpants model to Hollywood actor to hamburger magnate. And despite his obvious handicap of looking permanently like he's not sure what floor his lift just stopped at, Wahlberg is inexplicably popular, not just with people who go and see movies with titles like 'Max Payne' and '2 Guns', but with actual, credible filmmakers like Paul Thomas Anderson, Martin Scorsese and James Gray. He's one of a select circle of actors - including Adam Sandler and Nicolas Cage - who can lurch from atrocious dreck to proper cinematic fare without even changing his facial expression.

Read full article »
A comprehensive timeline of Wesley Snipes trying to make Blade 4 happen

Movie Feature | Matt Looker | 5th September 2018

In 2012, the rights to Blade reverted back to Marvel, meaning that MCU head honcho Kevin Feige is able to finally achieve his original goal behind creating his cinematic universe in the first place: to greenlight and release Blade 4, starring a 56-year-old Wesley Snipes.

Read full article »

Support Us

We are now using Patreon to cover some of our hosting fees. So if you like our brand of "content" and would like to see us do more, please consider chucking a few digital pennies our way by clicking on the link below. Thanks!